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Thread: Stop me if you've hear this one...

  1. #1

    Stop me if you've hear this one...

    A thread for jokes.

    Obligatory "an oldie but a goody"
    The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
    They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
    They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
    As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
    Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
    Last edited by Helena; 03-14-2019 at 08:43 PM. Reason: if you've heard,, HEARD the WORD?
    Geraniums stink.

  2. #2
    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
    Geraniums stink.

  3. #3
    An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
    He says: "Have you been drinking?"
    "Just water," says the priest.
    The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
    The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
    Geraniums stink.

  4. #4
    Paddy is working on a building site and hears the lunchtime he goes to the portacabin and takes a seat, unwraps his sandwiches and fills his empty belly.
    An English fella sits down next to him and produces a Thermos Flask from his bag, and proceeds to pour himself a piping hot cup of coffee.
    Paddy looks on in amazement and remarks ''What de bleedin hel_l is dat thing''?!
    The English fella turns to him and says ''Its a Thermos Flask, Paddy''
    ''Well what the hel_l does dat do then''? asks Paddy
    ''It keeps things hot, and it keeps things cold'' responds the English fella.
    ''Well dat is amazin' - when i get off work today I'm gonna get meself a T'ermos Flask straight away''
    The next day, the lunchtime bell goes, and the English fella is already seated in the portacabin eating his lunch. In walks Paddy, beaming from ear to ear, clutching a bright shiny new flask under his arm.
    The English fella remarks ''Oh, so you got one then''?
    ''I fokin did''!! says Paddy
    Another builder turns to Paddy and asks ''Whats that you got there then''?
    ''T'ermos Flask'' is Paddy's response
    ''Oh, right, so what does that do then''? enquires the builder
    ''It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold'' says Paddy
    ''So what you got in there''? asks the builder
    Paddy replies: ''2 cups of tea and an ice cream''
    Geraniums stink.

  5. #5
    Guy walking through Belfast feels a gun pushed up to the back of his head from behind.....
    GUNMAN: Are ya a protestant or are ya a catholic?
    GUY: Im a jew!
    GUNMAN: Aye but are ya a protestant jew or a catholic jew?

  6. #6
    Guy walking through Belfast feels a gun pushed up to the back of his head from behind.....
    GUNMAN: Are ya a protestant or are ya a catholic?
    GUY: Im a jew!
    GUNMAN: Then I must be the luckiest Palestinian here!!

  7. #7
    A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

    The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.
    The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
    After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
    The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
    The man asks, “Why not?”
    And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”
    Geraniums stink.

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